you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
