My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize