Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
