It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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