Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
