I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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