how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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