these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
