the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
