Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
True strength comes from lack of pants
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
