I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
