Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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