Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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