You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
