She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
