I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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