booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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