Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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