Just fell off a train. Bad.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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