I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
