his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
