Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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