It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
