sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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