i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
