Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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