Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize
