Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
