It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
birth control should be required to get into college
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
