She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
