do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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