If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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