Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
