i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
