Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
