Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I had to cum in my sink.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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