Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize