Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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