Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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