I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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