I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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