I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
