it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
