My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just threw up on my dentist
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
