I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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