I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
