Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You pole danced in your parka.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
