I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Ketchup is God's man juice
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
