Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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