I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
