Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
