I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
40s are totally the cure
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
