you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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