Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We don't watch enough power rangers
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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