3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He passed out mid-signature
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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