I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
If I die, sorry about rent.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
