the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
